The summer I turned 14, my sister and I walked to the local high school a few days a week for free swim. The school hired teenage lifeguards, adding a sense of security.
One afternoon in the pool, and for reasons I’ve long forgotten, another girl climbed onto my shoulders, pushing my head below water. I was unprepared for the dunk, so I hadn’t taken a breath. Unable to lift her off my shoulders, I opened my mouth to scream, and pool water rushed in. Those seconds were among the most terrifying of my young life. I don’t know exactly how I freed myself, but I remember finally surfacing and seeing a parade of young lifeguards, oblivious to my recent plight. I could have drowned, but they were none the wiser.
Trauma has a way of surfacing, catching you unaware. I think those moments of fear, panic, and dread mirror what I feel most days living in a country where democracy is unravelling at an alarming clip, with a cruel, bombastic, and entitled man-child rewriting the rules to line his pockets, and to satisfy his insatiable ego. Friends I hold dear are in a similar boat, feeling numb, angry, frightened, sad, and, dare I say it, powerless. It’s bad enough that this is happening in the US, but his actions are reverberating around the world. I am sad and scared most days.
Having said all that, I’ve missed writing this blog. The brutality throughout the month of January at the hands of ICE knocked me off my feet. It seemed that anything I might share here is trite.
I’m trying to reframe those thoughts and to begin anew, but I wanted to share my absence from this space first.
Thank you for following Gardening Nirvana. Your readership means more to me than you know.
Alys
Gardening Nirvana 
Alys, I was a keen follower of your political situation, and I know a great deal about it (my interest sprang from being a passionate ‘fan’ of Barack Obama’s, from the time he first came to our knowledge down here, when he became a contender). I had a Bluesky account specifically to be able to keep up with what’s happening.
I closed that, because I couldn’t deal with the people who wanted only to post about the books they’re writing, the new artwork they’ve just done, the latest list they’ve compiled of worthy users – and topics even less germane to the day.
There are millions of you prepared to do what can be done and forming action groups, etc. But I fear that until more actually wake up and realize how near is disaster …
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What a frightening experience Alys; I could feel the panic right along with you. It’s easy to see how memories like that can carry into the present, when the world feels so heavy and uncertain.
I’m really glad you shared this; your words capture something many people are feeling but struggle to articulate. I haven’t been able to broach it on my blog, so I admire your willingness to sit with the difficulty feelings and put them into words. It helps the rest of us feel less alone.
It’s reverberated here too, and I do feel like I’m in the same boat; sad, worried, and numb from the brutality of the last month.
Welcome back to this space; you’ve been missed.
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Oh, dear Alys, your words truly touched my heart! So many of us are feeling the same. A growing group of concerned citizens here continue to stand together, each Saturday afternoon, in a dedicated attempt to connect with one another and create change. This afternoon, it felt encouraging as a strong majority of cars passing by honked their horns in agreement. Our suburb has extra police on duty each Saturday afternoon to keep our group (mostly senior citizens) safe as we volunteer together and stand together to Protect Democracy.
For the past two months, I haven’t published a post for the same reasons. While writing a Valentine’s Day post today, I intentionally decided to edit out the heaviness of the news, and write a more uplifting post. It feels very important, for my own health and sense of peace to take short breaks from the news, talk with friends here and abroad, and spend time in nature (even in the cold, snowy Midwest).
Let’s plan a video visit very soon, my friend! ♥️Dawn
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I can not imagine what a frightening experience that must have been.
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I remember being ‘ducked’ at swimming pools when I was young although usually by young boys messing around and not so efficiently as your tormenter managed. It’s a horrible, helpless feeling and I can understand your analogy. Where are the lifeguards?
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Hi Alys, that dunking sounds very scary – no wonder it affects you still. I would hate to live in the USA at the moment. I have just been listening to a podcast series on BBC sounds – An American Journey with veteran reporter and presenter James Naughtie. (I am not sure if you can access it from the States but it was well worth a listen) He is careful what he says but the upshot is that changes to the rules mean that the Presidency can be bought and gerrymandering is rife. I can see why your trauma is activated again. I am not sure how normality can be restored but I hope that people who create love and compassion in the world can prevail over hate and division. When you feel able to post i will be here to read.
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I had a similar experience when I was around 16 at Fire island when the undertow was very strong and I got caught in it. The water kept pulling me away from the shore. So I do know what being underwater without being able to catch your breath feels like. It’s scary as hell Alys. I think most reasonable people feel the same way you and I feel these days. It’s hard to catch your breath will all of the nonsense coming out of DC. What should happen first is the agents who murdered Renee Good And Alex Pretti should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law and ICE Barbie should be fired. The chaos coming out of DC everyday is intentional. It’s a smokescreen to preoccupy everyone so they can’t see this corrupt administration and its cronies personally enriching themselves every single day. While other countries are holding their government officials accountable for being on the Epstein list our FBI chief and Attorney General along with the republican congress are doing nothing to hold people accountable including Epstein’s best friend DJT.
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thank you for sharing. As the situation in the U.S. and indeed around the world seems to worsen I have found myself simply blogging about everyday safe/ordinary life. The words are just too difficult! And I feel bad, like I’m failing in my response – your words are so well written they say what I feel. We need to be there for one another and offer the comfort each of us seeks and to stay strong to defend democracy.
Your experience in the pool was unforgivable. I have sailed hundreds of nautical miles on small boats and can’t swim, I too had an experience as a child in swimming class which left a lasting impression/fear.
Please keep writing, I value your words.
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not sure why I am anonymous and don’t know how to correct it. Jean – onesmallstitch
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Thank you for letting me know it’s you, Jean. WordPress seems to do this more and more. I think they want you to sign in, but at times I find that challenging as well. Thank you for being here. xo
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We’re all well meaning and well intentioned, Jean. I’m glad you’re able to blog about daily life. That’s just as important. I enjoy reading about other people’s lives, hobbies, travels, and communities. It keeps me afloat.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry you had a similar experience in a pool. It seems several of the readers commenting on this post have had similar traumatic experiences. It’s a shame.
Sending a warm hug your way. xo
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You have lots of company, Alys. We’re all hanging on barely by our fingernails. Praying for a rebalancing come Nov. 🙏🏼
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Thank you, Eliza. I hope the necessary rebalancing is possible. I’ve lost all fatih in this administration’s willingness to let the process happen as it should. I desperately hope I’m wrong. xo
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Sending love
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Thank you, Dawn. xo
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Alys
I can’t imagine how terrifying it must be. Most Canadians are anxious and resolute. The world is bearing witness. In particular, I follow what is happening in Minnesota and the brave people engaging in endlessly brillant non-violent resistance through love and song. It is an example to us all. Sending hugs of solidarity.
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Thank you for your warm thoughts and solidarity. The people of Minnesota are amazing, standing up in non-violent ways, supporting businesses and individuals in ways they never dreamed would be necessary. The whistles, the drums, taking food where needed. It’s extraordinary, especially in light of the brutality against innocent people. xo
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Your story brought back memories of being captured by the undertow at the beach (I saw another experience on this in the comments too) suddenly when I was a child and being hung upside down in the water unable to right myself in utter panic. I too feel like this many days if I read the news. Thanks for sharing your struggle and there are days I spend some time just sobbing and grieving about what feels like an endless downhill spiral. Hugs!
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My dear Alys, what a horrible experience for you and one that no doubt comes back when you are feeling stressed and depressed. I really feel for you. The world is such an awful place right now – not only in your country. Switch off the news and take some time out from it all now and then! We no longer watch TV at all. Have you tried meditating? I always rejected it, as my experiences of classes with weird drums or music playing in the background put me off. But recently I have started almost daily…. and love it – 20 minutes where I feel calm and shut off from the world. And I look forward to that twenty minutes so much every evening and feel stronger afterwards. Here is a link to a favourite: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeOXCgF4S0s&list=PLhR1CHSDXRGcFyl4b8Nn68UW9vG-23FsH&index=4
Let me know if you try it, xx 🤗
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Dear Cathy, Thank you for your kind words and emotional support. I have meditated over the years, and I’m trying to get back to a regular practice. It’s as relaxing as you describe, so I often wonder why I fall out of the habit. I even have an app on my phone called Calm. I will take a look at the link you shared as well. Thank you!
We don’t watch televised news either, and limit our viewing to Netflix or Hulu. I only read The Guardian, a non-profit newspaper held in a trust and not beholding to some billionaire owner. But, I work to consume as little as possible, and need to hold those good habits for my sanity.
I’m so glad we’re connected across the miles.
Alys XX
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My dear Alys,
I don’t know what happened to my earlier comment. Jackie has just alerted me to its absence. Here is another sent to express my emotional solidarity and hopes that the destruction which is affecting the whole world will end before it is too late.
In truth, I cannot know what it is like to be so frightened just to leave your house, but I wish I could at least hold you now. You have a good man at home with you – I wish you both the necessary strength to come through this.
I am not surprised that your earlier panic has resurfaced, especially as those who were meant to be helping you were not doing so.
With love, Derrick XX
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Dear Derrick,
I’m touched by your words and grateful that you took the time to post a second comment. WordPress can be unpredictable. More than once I’ve had my comment disappear into the ether.
Thank you for your love and care. I’m grateful for Mike every day and for the many close friends that carry the same fears and sense of loss.
I hadn’t thought about the pool incident for decades, and not in this context, but it makes sense.
I hope it’s not too late to stop and ultimately reverse the damage. We’ve all been anticipating a huge upset this November when the midterm elections come around, but they’re already figuring out ways to stop people from voting by introducing arcane laws, threatening to place ICE agents at polling places, or what many of us fear, they’ll find a way to overturn the results. It’s so upsetting.
Sending love and care to you and Jackie,
With love,
Alys XX
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Dear, dear Alys, I too look on in horror at what is unfolding in your beautiful country. I can’t imagine what it must be like to live with it. I am glad you are taking steps to look after yourself, to find some peace within, and that you are surrounded by people who will give you succour.
I think you speak for so many of us when you wonder about whether writing and creating is trite. I think that about my creations too. However, you can see how people have responded to what you wrote here. The connection is strong. Maybe this quote from (maybe?) Charlotte Wood will give you comfort:
“In the midst of all this gloom, to create is an act of enlargement, of affirmation. It lights a candle in the darkness, offering solace, illumination ~ maybe even the possibility of transformation ~ not just for the maker but for the reader or viewer, which is to say, all of us.”
So much love coming your way xxx
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What an apt metaphor! At times I feel as though I can hardly breathe. January was a month of horrors. While ICE seems to be settling down—but who really knows?—Trump has turned his evil eye on the upcoming elections. As elections are run by the individual states, I am not sure how much damage he can actually accomplish. But one thing is certain—he will try.
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Laurie Graves, here, and I made the comment about what an apt metaphor nearly drowning in a pool is. Not sure why I am listed as anonymous.
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Alys – what a terrifying experience! and one where the trauma will resurface at unexpected times. I’m so sorry for 14 year old you.
As far as the trauma that our country is experiencing … it is daily, it is whiplash, and the power hungry using DJT as a puppet, make me absolutely sick. I did appreciate these words from James Talerico on Colbert: “There is a point to this craziness. They want us talking about furries and bathrooms so that we don’t realize that they are picking our pockets. That they are closing our schools That they are gutting our healthcare and raising taxes on all of us while they cut taxes for all their billionaire donors. The culture wars are a smokescreen because the real fight in our country is not left versus right but top versus bottom”.
So correct!!
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Alys,
Thank you for posting this blog.
The reverberations from this man are being felt here in Europe.
I have taken time out not to read any news item in the newspaper where he is mentioned as my whole body could no longer take on board the inhumanity that is existing in this world originating from so called world leaders. My heart is heavy.
However I am then reminded of the humanity that is everywhere but is not broadcast as it doesn’t sell news. so many charities helping others manned by volunteers.
Today, we had a break from over 6 weeks of rain and I saw the work of so many gardeners. Small snowdrops peeking up facing a watery sun. Daffodils gently swayed and it brought a smile to my face. So many people stopped to admire the work and to enjoy these small plants with so much strength.
I actually felt there was hope in the air.
I hope that you begin to feel the hope of humanity again. I also hope you don’t mind that I emailed you as I have enjoyed your blog for a number of years.
Sincerely
Nóilín
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