The summer I turned 14, my sister and I walked to the local high school a few days a week for free swim. The school hired teenage lifeguards, adding a sense of security.
One afternoon in the pool, and for reasons I’ve long forgotten, another girl climbed onto my shoulders, pushing my head below water. I was unprepared for the dunk, so I hadn’t taken a breath. Unable to lift her off my shoulders, I opened my mouth to scream, and pool water rushed in. Those seconds were among the most terrifying of my young life. I don’t know exactly how I freed myself, but I remember finally surfacing and seeing a parade of young lifeguards, oblivious to my recent plight. I could have drowned, but they were none the wiser.
Trauma has a way of surfacing, catching you unaware. I think those moments of fear, panic, and dread mirror what I feel most days living in a country where democracy is unravelling at an alarming clip, with a cruel, bombastic, and entitled man-child rewriting the rules to line his pockets, and to satisfy his insatiable ego. Friends I hold dear are in a similar boat, feeling numb, angry, frightened, sad, and, dare I say it, powerless. It’s bad enough that this is happening in the US, but his actions are reverberating around the world. I am sad and scared most days.
Having said all that, I’ve missed writing this blog. The brutality throughout the month of January at the hands of ICE knocked me off my feet. It seemed that anything I might share here is trite.
I’m trying to reframe those thoughts and to begin anew, but I wanted to share my absence from this space first.
Thank you for following Gardening Nirvana. Your readership means more to me than you know.
Alys
Gardening Nirvana 
Alys, I was a keen follower of your political situation, and I know a great deal about it (my interest sprang from being a passionate ‘fan’ of Barack Obama’s, from the time he first came to our knowledge down here, when he became a contender). I had a Bluesky account specifically to be able to keep up with what’s happening.
I closed that, because I couldn’t deal with the people who wanted only to post about the books they’re writing, the new artwork they’ve just done, the latest list they’ve compiled of worthy users – and topics even less germane to the day.
There are millions of you prepared to do what can be done and forming action groups, etc. But I fear that until more actually wake up and realize how near is disaster …
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What a frightening experience Alys; I could feel the panic right along with you. It’s easy to see how memories like that can carry into the present, when the world feels so heavy and uncertain.
I’m really glad you shared this; your words capture something many people are feeling but struggle to articulate. I haven’t been able to broach it on my blog, so I admire your willingness to sit with the difficulty feelings and put them into words. It helps the rest of us feel less alone.
It’s reverberated here too, and I do feel like I’m in the same boat; sad, worried, and numb from the brutality of the last month.
Welcome back to this space; you’ve been missed.
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Oh, dear Alys, your words truly touched my heart! So many of us are feeling the same. A growing group of concerned citizens here continue to stand together, each Saturday afternoon, in a dedicated attempt to connect with one another and create change. This afternoon, it felt encouraging as a strong majority of cars passing by honked their horns in agreement. Our suburb has extra police on duty each Saturday afternoon to keep our group (mostly senior citizens) safe as we volunteer together and stand together to Protect Democracy.
For the past two months, I haven’t published a post for the same reasons. While writing a Valentine’s Day post today, I intentionally decided to edit out the heaviness of the news, and write a more uplifting post. It feels very important, for my own health and sense of peace to take short breaks from the news, talk with friends here and abroad, and spend time in nature (even in the cold, snowy Midwest).
Let’s plan a video visit very soon, my friend! ♥️Dawn
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I can not imagine what a frightening experience that must have been.
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