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Cars, Coroners, and Cops: One for the Books

As we slowly work through the fallout since my brother-in-law’s death late last year, I’m sharing a few updates.

The revised coroner’s report determined the cause of death as cardiovascular disease. JJ died alone from cardiac arrest on his bedroom floor, a grim and untimely death. The toxicology reports came back negative, with no indication of foul play. Sadly, he appeared morbidly obese in his recent DMV photo, and he’d taken up smoking cigars. Further, anyone living in squalid conditions like the ones we found in his apartment has a five-year survival rate.

According to NCBI: “Diogenes syndrome is a behavioral disorder characterized by domestic squalor, extreme self-neglect, hoarding, and lack of shame regarding one’s living condition. Patients may present due to a range of reasons. Recognizing these will allow for earlier management of this high-mortality condition.”

Sadly, he never got help, or more accurately, he didn’t realize he needed help. A healthy person would never choose to live this way.

If you’ve read prior posts, you’ll recall that his car disappeared one day after the coroner recovered JJ’s remains. You can catch up here and here. Mike reported the vehicle stolen, and while connecting with the Department of Motor Vehicles or DMV, someone unknown to us had begun transferring ownership of my brother-in-law’s car. We were shocked.

A week later, the sheriff found the car back at the apartment complex, located and identified the suspect, and arrested him for felony burglary, auto theft, and possession of a controlled substance. He told the arresting officer that JJ was like an uncle and had given him the car for his birthday.

The car bounced back and forth between suspect, tow lot, back to suspect, and again back to the tow lot before the sheriff gave us the go-ahead to claim the car, which we did. They emphasized that the vehicle would remain “stolen” in the records until the DMV could finish investigating. We drove home with the car on a Friday and arranged to have it locked in a garage ten days later.

The car sitting in our driveway that week, especially with Mike traveling on business, made me nervous. One night, I saw a car slow in front of our driveway, adding to my fear and dread.

I wasn’t imagining things.

A few weeks later, I stepped onto our deck to get the mail, turned around, and saw three police cruisers pull up and block our driveway. At first, I thought something had happened at a neighbor’s home. Then I thought someone had died. Badly shaken, I approached the officer, and he said that he had a report of a stolen vehicle in our driveway. I explained the circumstances, and he promptly dismissed one of the squad cars, but the other two remained. We spoke to them at length. They understood the delays at the DMV but also said the car would remain stolen in the system until the DMV completed the investigation. It took me several days to shake off the trauma.

Mike promptly contacted the DMV for an update, only to find that they canceled the investigation for “lack of evidence” without bothering to let us know. With the help of Mike’s “leg work,” they reopened the investigation. Now we wait.

It’s good I committed to a sugar-free January, or I would be heading to See’s Candies for a pound of good chocolate. We all desperately want this chapter to end.

56 thoughts on “Cars, Coroners, and Cops: One for the Books”

  1. Oh my God, Alsy! What a nightmare this continues to be! I cannot believe how it continues to drag on. So sorry you keep being retraumatized by this and hope that this next chapter ends soon.

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    • It does feel never-ending. We’re all ready for this chapter to end. It helps to arm yourself with information, and you say, it allows us to have empathy for those suffering from something for which they don’t have much control. It’s heartbreakingly sad.

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  6. Alys, this is such a tragic story. It has to be incredibly frustrating, and fearful, to deal with the DMV/Police in the middle of your grieving. I hope the work itself will all come to a close soon, and perhaps you and your husband will regain your peace. 💔

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Thank you, Debra. I long for moments of peace and tranquillity. I’m spending time crafting and gardening and working with clients. I wish the sleep would smooth out, but that’s as much a part of my age and my tendency to be an “active sleeper” as it is stress. I hope you are doing well.

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  9. In my job at a local authority, I needed to visit people in their homes to confirm residency and eligibility to benefits. I had that role for about 2 years, in the early 2000s during which time I guess I visited about 25/30 homes each week. I think I went to about 10 where people lived similarly, or in nearly such a challenging environment , sometimes with children and whole families resident. It was very distressing, especially as there was so little that I could do to help resolve their situation. Invariably social services and any landlord (though not all we’re renting, many were owner occupiers) were fully aware of the situation.
    That was when I began keeping sanitiser, wet wipes and a change of shoes in my car just for certain addresses.
    Sending strength and love

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Dawn, I’m so glad you shared your experience. These situations seem intractable, don’t they? I’ve been called into homes a few times as a professional organizer, but I learned early on that they don’t need an organizer, but removal from the dangerous environment, coupled with intense mental health care, which sadly, is often lacking. It’s extremely painful to see children and animals involved. Thank you for the love.

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  10. Dear Alys, it is such a horrible and tragic situation for you and Mike. I sincerely hope it can all be sorted out quickly and you can have peace of mind again. Thinking of you and sending you hugs! 🤗

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    • Thank you for that hug, Cathy. I’m sending one back your way. The resolution of the car hinges on the DMV report. The fraud is handled by the bank. It’s hard not having any control over the matter, but so it goes. Mike and I are dreaming of our next travel destination. Do you have any holidays planned this year?

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  11. I’m glad I check Reader on WP today. First, I’m sorry for your loss and the trauma you have experienced over JJ’s car.

    I had no idea that the squalor you describe could shorten life so drastically, though it stands to reason. So very sad that your brother-in-law had this affliction and was morbidly obese. Not a great combination.

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    • Thank you, Helen. It’s always nice hearing from you. Environments like this are unhealthy for a number of reasons: rodents, dead and alive and the resulting urine and droppings, spoiled food, bacteria on many surfaces, and the potential for falling items. Pneumonia is common as well. We’re grateful he didn’t have pets or children.

      I hope you and your daughter are doing well. I hear that spring is just 50 days away!

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  12. I have known one hoarder in my life. She was and is a wonderful woman, clean and neat, but seemed to not be able to overcome the hoarding. Everything was clean but piled high with only a path through her house. Her family eventually stepped in and things straightened out for her. Good luck with closing out this sad chapter in life.

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    • Thank you for sharing your own experience with this, Judy. It’s good to hear that her family stepped in, and that she was able to accept the help. That isn’t often the case.

      Thank you for your kind words. We’re looking forward to the end of this chapter, too.

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    • Thank you, Laurie. I think a visit to See’s Candy will be in order come February. If you’re going to splurge on chocolate, make sure it’s special, right?

      The police incident was scary and unsettling. I could feel myself shaking when they approached, and it took my nervous system a few days to recover. I wish the DMV would move faster. It’s been almost four months since the car first disappeared.

      I hope your book-writing is going well. I’m looking forward to your Wednesday update.

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  14. I’m so sorry for everything you are going through and hope this gets resolved soon Alys; I can’t imagine the toll this kind of ongoing stress must be taking on you and Mike.

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    • Thank you, Sara. The stress has been unrelenting, but we keep reminding ourselves that we’ve made progress with other parts of my BIL’s estate, and eventually paperwork will be done, taxes filed, and hopefully the check fraud and the car will finally, finally be resolved. xo

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  18. How awful Alys. Have you undertaken all the clearing up yourselves? That would be some severe trauma right there, without everything else. I’d heard of Diogenes of course but never realised how weird his philosophy was and can see how the syndrome your brother-in-law suffered with got its name.
    I hope this nightmare will be over for you both very soon and you can start trying to put it all behind you.
    xx

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    • Thank you, Lynn. The three of us spent a weekend searching the apartment and removing family photos, paperwork, keys, and the like. We were able to make a few runs to a local thrift store, but the vast majority of the apartment contents had been soiled with rat urine, rat feces, food containers, and cigar ash.

      We hired an agency called JunkKing who came in with respirators and essentially shoveled out the remaining content. It took four men and three large truckloads to clear out the one-bedroom apartment.

      Something I learned early in my organizing career is that it’s unhealthy to disturb rat droppings due to the Hantavirus. The particles become airborne. The virus is fatal about one-third of the time. https://www.cdc.gov/hantavirus/surveillance/index.html

      Knowing that, we went in with shoe coverings, high-quality respirator masks, and gloves. I encountered two dead and two living rats in the time we were there. My chest tightens just thinking about it.

      Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot. xo

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  19. I’ve had a unfortunately a good deal of experience with this kind of thing as I may have mentioned before. At the root of it is usually some serious trauma. I’ve had to clean out a situation considerably worse and the carnage from this illness can seriously affect an entire family if there is one. Fortunately, in your case, there were no children or pets. In the case I was dealing with, it was multi generational and a murder was also part of the scene. Getting the car returned only to have to have it locked away is a step forward. Paying to have it stored is an additional burden. These kinds of after affects of trauma are more common than most realize. Judgement has no place here. Only understanding and support. No one can imagine what that mind has endured to get to such a state. You have my heartfelt compassion. Hugs and love to you both. I know Mike is having a hard time with it as well.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Good grief, Marlene, I don’t remember you sharing this story. I’m so sorry you went through that. A murder? That is beyond the pale.

      Trauma seems to be at the root of many mental health challenges. If it can’t be processed in a healthy way, then it manifests in ways like this. I’ve seen homes like this before given what I do for a living, but never one with live rats, and that horrific smell. We can’t identify it, but our senses remember it. Thank you for sharing your experience. My heart goes out to you.

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  20. Oh my dear Alys 💜
    There would be so many emotions roiling through you and Mike ~ grief, regret, anger, sorrow, anguish, anxiety and so the list would go on. Then the physical assault on your senses coupled with the time you have had to take to deal with all of this. You must be exhausted. I am sure you have a wonderful support network who are there for you. One of the key things that helped me get through traumatic times last year, although nothing as shocking as what you have been through, was the thought “The centre will hold”. That no matter what was thrown at me (or I threw at myself!) that the core of me would be okay and that I would get through it. So, remember that you are strong and resilient ~ gardeners are tough! And don’t forget to breathe. Sending you and Mike big hugs and lots of extra strength. 💜

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    • Thank you, Anne, for your wise counsel. The emotions are exhausting, as you well know. You’ve had a difficult two years, so full of loss.

      I hope one day soon we will have resolution on the car. You’re right that I have an amazing circle of friends, and Mike’s love and partnership, so those things make a huge difference. I like your idea of “the centre will hold.” Funny thing, too, as I do forget to breathe. Thank you for your warm hugs. We’re sending one in return. xo

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  21. I am so sorry, Alys. This is taking a toll, I know. I can only urge you to take good care of you both, stay well, try to get enough sleep and you know the benefits of immersing yourself in the clean, healthy beauty of nature.

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    • Thank you for your wise words, Kate. I’ve been eating healthier this month and dropped ten pounds. (Sugar is my nemesis). Time outdoors is a balm, and I’m planning to schedule a massage this week. It’s been at least five years! xo

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  24. Heartfelt sympathy, dear Alys and Mike. 🙏🏻🙏🏻 I am so sorry that you have experienced such unimaginable family loss, grief, and trauma. It’s so hard to move past all that you have seen, felt, and endured in recent months. I’m grateful that you are able to talk about everything and can spend healing hours in your garden each day. Please be extra kind to yourselves, dear friends. Sending huge hugs across the miles! 🩷

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