by

Multiplying Grief

We arrived home from Italy on a Friday early this month. Five days later, the Sacramento coroner called to tell Mike his youngest brother JJ had been found dead in his apartment. We hadn’t seen him in years.

The brothers were bereft when Mike’s parents died weeks apart in 2008; however, JJ took it the hardest. At the time, he lived on the same property as his parents, managing a small vineyard and eating meals with his folks. He never fully launched, even though he was in his early forties.

After settling the affairs, he moved to Sacramento and cut off his entire family, including his brothers, cousins, nieces, and nephews. We collectively reached out over time, but he changed his email address and phone number and didn’t respond to physical mail. I had the local police do a welfare check in the early days, and they called and said he was okay.

Learning of his death last week has torn the bandage off a deep wound. Compounding the loss, we discovered he’d been living in squalor and warned many times to clean up his place or face eviction. He had sufficient financial means to buy his own place, yet chose a different path. His apartment manager was under the impression that he had no family, unaware of our attempts to make contact. We’re devastated.

Mike’s middle brother met us at the apartment on Saturday so we could collect paperwork, personal effects, and keys to JJ’s car, mailbox, and storage unit. The investigator sealed the apartment when he left on Tuesday, but someone let themselves in the following day and took my brother-in-law’s car, further complicating an already challenging situation. We had been warned of the apartment’s condition, so I bought protective gear in advance, including respirator masks, heavy-duty gloves, and shoe coverings. We had no way to prepare, however, for the smell.

I uncovered a dead rat in the first hour. More followed. The stench of spoiled food, rat urine, and cigar ash permeated every corner. Sadness and dismay, anger, and grief hung in the air. At one point, I kneeled on a plastic lid to gather coins that had fallen to the floor. A giant rat darted out from its cover, raced by my leg, and took refuge under a stack of crates.

Bone-weary and filthy, we retreated to a hotel and later a meal. It’s been a lot to process.

We returned home on Sunday, eating junk food for dinner in the car and taking another round of showers. Mike continues to be repulsed by the terrible stench that permeates everything, so I spent Monday airing out the paperwork we retrieved, placing framed pictures in a plastic bag, and taking the washed coins I gathered from the apartment floor to Coinstar, donating the proceeds to the Red Cross.

When I close my eyes, images of the apartment appear. I’m a professional organizer by trade, so I’ve seen this before; however, it’s another story when it’s family.

Meanwhile, we await the autopsy results. When finalized, the medical examiner will release JJ’s remains to the Neptune Society for cremation. A professional team emptied the apartment of debris, and the highway patrol will continue investigating the missing car.

JJ’s death leaves us with multiplying losses: what is and what might have been. Two brothers are devastated with profound grief and a sadness that won’t soon disappear.

JJ and Olga (my mother-in-law)1968 and 1995, Francini brothers and nephews, wedding party (JJ as best man), Thanksgiving, 2008.

61 thoughts on “Multiplying Grief”

  4. I’m so very sorry Alys. I hope that fond memories of better times with feel you and Mike. I remember meeting him many years ago. Love and big hugs!

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  5. Oh, Alys, what a sad, sad story. I’m so sorry you and your husband are having deal with this, both emotionally and physically. The contrast with your magical holiday is impossible to take in. But please encourage your husband not to go down the what-ifs route. When these things happen, and, sadly, they do, the person who chooses this path inevitably rejects all offers of help. There was nothing your husband could have to have changed this tragic path his brother followed. My deepest condolences to you both.

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  6. There are no words that will make this better. You probably know better than most that the death of his parents was probably the trauma trigger that pushed him over the edge. It never makes sense. I’ve seen it enough to understand that. There is nothing anyone could do about an adult that locks everyone out. I haven’t seen nor heard from a brother since our father’s death. He too made sure all possible connections were cut off in 1999. Heart breaking to say the least. No one could have saved him from himself and that is just so frustrating. I’m so sorry that this is what you have to deal with after the lovely vacation you just had. Grief has it’s own time frame. Be kind to yourselves and each other. Sending love and hugs.

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  7. Total estrangement has also happened in my own family and in the family of some very close friends. I am so sorry you and your husband are having to deal with the repercussions and I hope you can find comfort.

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  8. I am so sorry about the chaos and loss! May he and the family rest in peace that he is in a better place as you go through the journey of this terrible, horrific grieving process. Love and hugs ❤️‍🩹

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  10. Oh Ms. Alys, I am at a loss for words. My heart and prayers go out to both you and Mike as you go through this tumultuous time. Loosing a loved one, especially a sibling is devastating and being estranged makes it doubly worse. I wish I lived closer and could give you both a hug. My wish for you both is to find comfort in one another and peace in your hearts. 🫂

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    • This must be you, BK. For some reason, many comments are showing up as “Someone” and not the commenters name. I miss you and all of our wonderful, deep conversations, along with the silliness required to keep sane during our volunteer work. You’ve had more than your share of grief, so I know you understand the turmoil along with the sadness. I look forward to our next call. xo

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  13. What a sad tragedy Alys. I have a brother who has cut off all communication with the rest of us and I try to pretend I don’t mind but, when I read your story, I realise it’s not really true. I do care but am helpless in the face of his rejection. Luckily I have a sister who is much more persistent (and closer geographically and emotionally) to him so we do get the occasional bit of news.
    I looked at your photos of better times with JJ and it’s heartbreaking to think how he apparently had a supportive and loving family and still ended up in the situation that he did.
    Thinking of you and your family Alys at this terrible time. xx

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    • Lynn, I’m sorry to hear about your estranged brother. It’s heartbreaking, and while we get on with our lives, because what else is there, it makes sense that we want it to be another way. Sadly, sometimes the answer is that there *is* no good answer.

      I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I dreaded the holidays after our father died (I was just 9). I imagine Christmas is equally challenging for you and your family since losing your youngest daughter. I’m sending an extra bit of love your way. xo

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  16. I can only echo what’s already been said. I pray that you and Mike will receive the strength and comfort you will need as you continue to deal with and recover from this tragedy.

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    • Thank you, Eliza. It’s been a long and difficult week, coupled with lack of sleep and the confounding situation with the car. We live over 100 miles away, Mike is busy at work, and his brother lives in Southern California. We’re doing the best we can, but I’m dreading our next trip north. I too hope JJ is at rest. xo

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  20. I’m so sorry, Alys. Words are inadequate in the face of a tragedy like this. I have an older brother whose health deteriorated. He would not accept help or contact from anyone until finally the authorities (he lives in northern Europe) stepped in and imposed order and healthcare on him. Now, he is slowly accepting contact, but grudgingly. His conditions were not quite so bad, but I have an inkling of the pain you must both be feeling.

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    • Thank you for your kind words, Kate. I’m sorry to hear that your family has experienced similar pain and trauma. Our US “healthcare” system is woefully inadequate, especially with mental health issues. Under a better system, like the one you describe in Europe, someone could have stepped in and removed him from such an unhealthy environment. His neighbors complained, too, yet were unable to change the situation. I’m glad your brother got help, and I’m happy to hear that he is accepting some contact. xo

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  21. I’m so sorry your family is going through this. Your account made me so sad when I first read it on my phone, and today, now I see the photos properly, I can’t help but think what a mystery, our human condition…
    I’ll be thinking of you.

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    • Thank you for coming back and leaving a comment. We are overwhelmed with the sadness of all of it. It’s a reminder once again of the importance of mental health care, but also the need to develop avenues so people can get the help they need.

      PS I’m not sure who I’m replying to as many of the comments are coming through as “Someone.” xo

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  22. Oh no, how horrible. Sympathy’s to you all. It’s so unfortunate your BIL couldn’t come round and get help. I can’t imagine how mentally ill you have to be to live in such squaller. Take care.

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  23. Alys, I’m just so very sorry for your loss, and the deep sadness your husband is likely going to process for a long time. My heart goes out to you as you wait for a few answers. There are situations in life that sometimes simply remain a painful memory. I am truly sorry. 💔

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  24. I’m leaving a second comment because I showed up as Anonymous. Were it a lesser message, I wouldn’t mind, but I want you to know how much I truly do care.

    “Alys, I’m just so very sorry for your loss, and the deep sadness your husband is likely going to process for a long time. My heart goes out to you as you wait for a few answers. There are situations in life that sometimes simply remain a painful memory. I am truly sorry. 💔”

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  27. I have just come to read this, Alys, and I am so sorry to hear of the pain you and Mike are going through. Loosing someone is never easy, but this loss would be compounded by so many other emotions. My siblings and I are sorting through Mum’s things. There is so much stuff, but it is china and paper and clothes and things accumulated in 97 years of a full life, and I am overwhelmed at times by that. However it is nothing like the conditions you found, which sound truly ghastly. So there are big hugs coming to you and Mike. xxx

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    • Thank you, Anne. You’ve had your share of sadness and grief, so I know you understand. It is overwhelming going through someone else’s things, and 97 years is a long life. I’m glad you have siblings to help with the process and I’m sure you are a great support to each other. xo

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