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Miseries and Mysteries and Mourning on Hold

It’s been a surreal and emotional few weeks as we work through the complexities in the aftermath of my brother-in-law’s death.

The coroner completed a preliminary autopsy, but it will be at least a month before the tox reports are in. They issued a death certificate with the cause of death pending and released JJ’s remains to the Neptune Society for cremation. Mike’s greatest fear is that his brother suffered a lingering death. For now, we have to live with the unknown.

Also unknown is the mystery surrounding JJ’s car. We learned from the apartment manager that when the police and medical examiner arrived, a man she didn’t know tried repeatedly to gain entry into the apartment. The following day, someone disregarded the “Warning – Official Seal” placed by the coroner and entered the apartment. The car and my brother-in-law’s phone and laptop went missing that day.

Mike contacted the DMV and the Sacramento Sheriff’s Department to open an investigation into the potential theft. We pondered different scenarios: Did he sell the car to this man? The car is only a year old. Why would he sell the car, his only form of transportation, and why would the guy try to register the car a week after JJ’s death? We wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but things didn’t add up.

The car later resurfaced at the apartment complex, and the sheriff came and impounded the car at a tow lot. Mike had to prepare documents so we could claim the car (about 100 miles from where we live). Before he could do that, the man who took possession of the car the first time went to the tow yard, presented his newly minted car registration, and drove the car off the lot, telling the tow yard that he planned to sell the vehicle. We couldn’t believe it.

Meanwhile, a special carrier delivered JJ’s ashes to our home. The driver showed great compassion as she handed us the cremains and asked for Mike’s signature. We had a somber moment at the end of our driveway as we thanked her and carried the box into the house. My chest tightens just thinking about it.

More mischief ensued. The bank told us that fraudulent checks had been written against JJ’s account amounting to nearly $20,000. The perpetrators wrote four checks to three individuals after his death. The bank reversed three checks, and the fourth didn’t pass through due to insufficient funds. I guess they planned to keep withdrawing as long as they could.

We heard from the sheriff again. They found the car in a public lot. They asked the driver to remove his effects and towed it for a second time to the impound lot. This time, the car was marked as stolen.

On November 3rd, we took the train to Sacramento and hired an Uber to drive us to the tow yard. We had four hours to collect the car, go to the coroner for JJ’s personal effects, go to the local post office to complete a change of address, and finally meet the apartment manager. She has been kind and helpful through it all, so we wanted to meet her in person and bring her a gift of thanks. She greeted us both with a warm hug, the highlight of an otherwise depressing trip.

When we picked up the car, we were dismayed at the horrible smell reminiscent of the apartment. We hoped to have it professionally cleaned but didn’t have time. From there, we drove to the coroner’s office to collect the items on my brother-in-law’s person at the time of death. The coroner is open to the public for just three hours a day. Receiving the contents was another emotional blow for Mike. He had hoped for a wallet with personal items and photos, perhaps a glimpse into his brother’s recent life. Instead, they handed him a small plastic bag with a driver’s license and two bank cards. Further, JJ looked unwell in his license photo, resulting in more sadness and more grief.

With that time-sensitive detail out of the way, we did a quick tidy of the car, still parked in the coroner’s lot. We filled a bag with trash and unwanted items, wiped the seats and cleared out old cigarette residue so that our long drive home would be bearable.

At 4:30 we made our last stop at the local post office and grabbed a quick bite before returning to San Jose. Mike flew to South America for a two-week business trip a day later, weary but grateful that we accomplished so much.

I’m looking forward to Mike’s return on Saturday, followed a few days later by Thanksgiving and a four-day holiday weekend. It will be a welcome change of pace and the chance to shower him with lots of TLC. Then, perhaps, the tears will flow.

57 thoughts on “Miseries and Mysteries and Mourning on Hold”

  1. What an ordeal on top of an already heartbreaking situation. Of course, I’m amazed that you accomplished so much so quickly after being hit with jj’s sudden, unexpected death and dealing with your grief.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Thank you, Mary. We’re grateful for the help of the apartment manager, the Neptune Society, his banker, and the investigator. The good news is that all accounts are now frozen, though his first two pieces of forwarded mail arrived today showing someone trying to get credit for a car-loan using my brother in law’s name and address!

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  4. Alsy,
    I am so sorry that you and Mike have had to deal with all of this stress and so many upsetting setbacks. Hoping this time away has helped him to focus on more positive things and also that he will be home soon to celebrate and rest. So many awful situations happened after Buddy died and I had forgotten some until I read this. So sorry for the family’s loss and all of the unanswered questions. Love to you both

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    • Thank you, Betsy. I’m sorry to hear that you too had upsetting setbacks when Buddy died, and I’m equally sad to note that this post brought back difficult memories.

      I hope your daughters are adjusting to all the changes. I will share your kind words with Mike.

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  6. What a nightmare you’ve both had to go through. I hope that now most of the ‘extenuating circumstances’ are dealt with you and Mike will be able to properly mourn his brother’s sad death and find some comfort together during your Thanksgiving break.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Thank you, Lynn. It will be so nice to have Mike back home after a two-week absence, with most of the “heavy lifting” behind us. His schedule has been packed with customer visits, side trips by plane and car, rich meals, and the like. He needs to be home, cocooned, and loved.

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  7. My poor Alys, what a sad chain of events. I hope you are both taking time for a little self-care and reflection to fortify you deal with the dreadful domino events taking place around you. Courage, my friend, you have many people sending you virtual hugs and good wishes.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Thank you for your virtual hug and good wishes, Kate. I feel the love, truly. Mike arrives home Saturday, so we’ll have some time to relax and regroup.

      I know you recently lost a beloved brother-in-law, a talented and creative man. The losses are hard. xo

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    • Thank you, Judy. That’s nice of you to say. I am so looking forward to a restful week, time with family and friends, and comfort food. I believe people who take advantage like this are damaged themselves. I hope that piece of this is coming to a close soon. Have a lovely Thanksgiving. xo

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  9. Oh, Alys, what a traumatic ordeal. I’m so sorry that you and your husband have had to pick up the pieces of the sad life of your BIL. We’ll never be able to understand the pain, confusion, etc. that leads people to such dysfunction, but understanding probably wouldn’t alleviate the heartache anyway. Let the healing begin for you both. 🙏💕

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    • Thank you, Jane. You always have wise words. Given my profession, I’ve done a lot of reading over the years on dysfunction in the home environment, but it’s shocking to experience it close to home. One of the sad ironies, is that the person living this way doesn’t realize anything’s wrong, or they do, but they don’t know how to get help. Hugs to you.

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  11. I have some very explicit thoughts about this subject and will address them at a later time. In the meantime, you are doing all the right things. This is a LOT! There is no easy way around it so you just go through it until you have your answers. Work will be good for Mike right now and then you give thanks for the family and friends you have that care. Until later, sending love and hugs to you all.

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    • Thank you for the love and hugs, Marlene. I’m counting the days till Mike returns and he’s doing the same. In the past two weeks he’s been to Brazil, Argentina, Uruguay, and Chili. I’m grateful for all the love and support. The answers will come when they come, and some things we will never know. xo

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  12. What a horrible set of startling, puzzling, and tragic events. Grief is hard enough without all the uncertainty and creeping suspicion that he had come to harm in some way. I hope you get some answers, if you want them, and some peace.

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    • We do want answers, though they will be hard to come by. We will eventually learn of the cause of death. The coroner didn’t find anything suspicious at the time or we wouldn’t have been allowed in to the apartment. However he died, it’s heartbreaking that he died alone in an unhealthy environment.

      The DMV will eventually complete a title investigation. Now that the accounts are frozen and the apartment emptied, I’m hoping this is the last of the unexpected. It’s been upsetting for all of us.

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  13. I’m so sorry to read this and hear of the tremendous amount of grief you are both experiencing! Life is strange in that you are an organizer by trade and in this situation. I can’t even imagine!

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    • Thank you. My organizing background helped in many ways, but to be honest, I learned early in my career that any client living under these conditions needs mental health care and probably removal from the home, not an organizer. It’s tragic.

      (PS came through as “Someone, no name”

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  15. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through even more trauma after your brother-in-law’s death. Will keep you in prayer during this healing process and hope you can enjoy the holidays.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Thank you, Cathy. It certainly has been a collection of oddities, in addition to the loss. I hope we hear from the coroner on cause of death before the end of the year. It’s hard not knowing. The brothers will decide at a later date what to do with his ashes.

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  22. I am technically on break, as you know. But when I saw your post’s headline in my email, I had to make an exception as sometimes we must do. So very, very sorry that you and your husband are going through this. As Cathy noted, grief is bad enough, but the problems make it awful. Your friend in Maine is grieving with you and hoping that the last of the problems have been dealt with. Oh my, oh my!

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    • Laurie, how thoughtful of you to jump on and leave a comment. Thank you. That means a lot. I could never have imagined this scenario, but here we are. The better news is that all of the assets are now frozen, the car has been retrieved and stored until the DMV completes the investigation, and his mail is now being forwarded so we have a sense of what’s happening.

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  23. Alys, I am so very sorry to hear that on top of your loss and grief you and your dear husband have had to be detectives to follow up on your brother-in-law’s possessions. Knowing that others are taking advantage of the situation does make you wonder if he was even more vulnerable than you knew, and it’s simply painful. The title of your blog post really captures the situation you find yourselves in, and I can’t imagine. We have all been in times of deep grief, but I have never experienced the levels of complexity that you’re describing and I hope the answers you’re seeking will help you, in time, begin to heal. 💔

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Debra, thank you for your thoughtful comment. It has certainly been an odd set of circumstances, and you make a good point about my BIL’s vulnerability. It’s sad all around. Mike returned home from South American today so we were able to talk more about things. He feels like he had “two” brothers, the one he grew up with and the adult he later became. It’s sad and confusing. I hope we get some answers with the final autopsy report, but I’m not sure that it will ease the pain. Somehow we always want answers. You are dear.

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      • You’re right about the need for answers. I don’t think that we can count on them being satisfying, but to have so many “blanks” in your BIL’s history likely leaves your husband with added stress. I hope that as you can piece more of the details it will allow a sense of healing to begin. I’ll wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, and hope that it can be so. 💔

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  24. Oh Dear, Dear Alys, I’m only just now catching up with your blog and what has been happening! Therese told me to check it but I don’t have FB on my cel and I was out of town for 10 days.
    I am so sorry about what has happened! I too want to send you my hugs and love.
    I agree with the person who said you and Mike seem like such great partners and support for each other. How wonderful is that kind of relationship! Keep hanging on tight to each other. Louisa

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  26. Oh gosh, I’m so sorry you and Mike have had to deal with all of this on top of the raw fact of losing his brother. Wishing you something approaching peace, if that’s at all possible right now.

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  27. Pingback: Cars, Coroners, and Cops: One for the Books – Gardening Nirvana

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